Beef Or Chicken

San Juan, La Union

The problem with being an overthinker is that, sometimes, you start second-guessing even the feelings that you’re supposed to be having given a certain situation. When you lose something or someone, the knee-jerk reaction is perhaps one of sadness, rage or self-pity, or any combination of the three. But then you start weighing your predicament against what others are experiencing and you tell yourself to be grateful that things aren’t much worse. Then of course you go back to indulging your initial emotions because, damn it, you’re allowed to feel bad, and what others are going through shouldn’t impact how you feel about what happens in your own life. And then you feel guilty again because, let’s face it, it's really not that bad and you should learn to stay positive and appreciate what you have. And on and on the cycle goes.   

Some people say the initial hours and days after a sudden and significant life event are the worst because the battle scars are still fresh, but I’d argue that it’s after a certain period of time passes—when you’re far enough removed from the event itself and start viewing the situation a bit more critically—that’s more frustrating and exhausting.   

In my case, after said episodes, it’s almost frightening how much I vacillate between giving in to surface emotions and acting like it’s NBD. One minute I keep replaying specific sequences in my head and wondering where I went wrong, then I talk myself out of it and convince myself that obsessing over things doesn’t lead anywhere. I’m like that guy who can’t decide between the beef or chicken at a restaurant and end up not being completely satisfied with whatever's served on my plate.  

I get it. There is so much suffering and strife in the world right now. People are literally dying and the incompetence of this government seems to be limitless. If you’re not hooked up to a ventilator or worrying about where your next meal is coming from, you’re already ahead of lots of other people. And that’s great. Consider yourself lucky.  

But I don’t want to brush aside other issues people are going through. It’s true that there are those who sometimes invent problems or imagine personal crises when, overall, things aren’t so bad. But there are also those who just aren’t equipped to handle difficulties the way others can. And so something that might seem especially serious to someone—like a quarrel with a co-worker, or a car breaking down, or a romantic split—can be trivial to somebody else.   

Right now, I am extremely grateful that I have a roof over my head, food on my table, and a job that I love. For a lot of people, I’ve hit the essentials trifecta. But I hope that doesn’t mean my license to experience pain and suffering has been revoked. I can still have issues, and while I might drive myself crazy while I figure things out, these emotional upheavals are significant because they’re mine and they’re happening to me.   

At least one good thing about experiencing these things at my age is that the rate of recovery seems to be much faster. In the past, I was ill-equipped to process and took longer to bounce back from personal, erm, calamities. But now it seems all it takes is a quiet weekend to get myself sorted. I guess it helps that—yet again—I can’t escape the reality that the world is facing much bigger problems right now. (Which sort of contradicts what I said one paragraph earlier, but it’s 12:47 a.m. while I’m writing this and I don’t know anymore).    

TL;DR: The pandemic is still raging, the country is a hot mess, I’m going through some personal issues, but overall, I’m fine. And I realize how incredibly lucky I am I get to say that.